Crappy Drawing: Shell-less

It's been a difficult week. My body is in full revolt. Writing is hard.

One of the problems I’m dealing with (in addition to migraines) is anxiety. Though I've struggled with anxiety in many forms for a long time, I live in constant denial of this fact. I'm not a "Type A" personality, nor am I a perfectionist, so I'm not anxiety's ideal candidate. (I am, however, a woman with hormones and a busted up nervous system, which is not the best combination for a calm brain.)

My previous therapist often told me I had anxiety, but I ignored her. (Sorry, Cindy!) When I think of me, I don't see myself struggling with being in large groups, or around kids, or in new places. The me I remember loves people, loves adventure, loves travel. I'm not even an introvert, or at least, I wasn't before the migraines. I prefer to think of myself as an extrovert with a brain that hates parties, dinners, movie theaters, and, you know...people. I am, essentially, at war with myself.

Living in constant ignorance of my anxiety makes me the worst anxious person ever. My attacks often follow low-key social gatherings, for example, because I forget that large groups make me anxious and I jump in head first and start loading up my plate with chips and jumping into conversations and la-tee-da until Oh, why is my heart racing? Hm, I’ve stopped breathing. And am I having trouble thinking?

The old Natalie is still under there, I hope. But for now, I am learning to live with anxiety, to wear this shoe despite it feeling two sizes too small. My strategy involves sharing about it more often, and keeping a stash of chips at home that I can eat by myself, whenever I want.

Cory said something memorable the other day when I was coming off an anxiety attack and bemoaning how I feel like a hollowed-out version of who I once was. I drew it up as a little cartoon, I hope you enjoy it! If you know someone with anxiety, maybe print it out and write them an encouraging note? Or if you're lazy like me, just send this post to them along with some cute emojis.

Have a good weekend, friends! Replies and comments are always open, I love hearing from you!