
Here at ooop, we believe in empowering women with liberating wellness products. That’s why I, Wyneth, invented the “I Have a Migraine” Candle, designed to give any woman an escape from her many undesirable social, work, and family commitments. Even if you haven’t had a migraine before, we guarantee that burning this candle will give you one in five seconds flat, or your money back!*
Product Details
The “I Have a Migraine” Candle’s patented scent is reminiscent of the overpowering perfume your Aunt Ethel bathed in before family gatherings. Pleasant notes of wildfire smoke and gasoline add a memorable finishing touch to the proprietary blend of aromas, created by ooop master perfumers.
A feature exclusive to the “I Have a Migraine” Candle is its extremely bright light. Instead of the usual warm, calming flicker of a regular candle flame, the “I Have a Migraine” Candle wick is soaked in an aged purple microalgae extract which, when lit, gives off a memorable, migraine-inducing fluorescent glow. ooop is not liable for any cornea damage incurred from candle viewing.
The “I Have a Migraine” Candle is also designed, when lit, to make the sound of a screaming infant who swallowed an ambulance. We were going to embed a speaker in the candle that played a well-known Oscar acceptance speech for Shakespeare in Love on a loop, but the FBI intervened. Regardless, be sure you remove all earbuds and earplugs ahead of time for the best possible candle-using experience.
For an additional $89, we’ll include our ultra-clean helium diffuser to use with your candle, which is also guaranteed to cause a migraine. Just be sure to note that our product safety specialists, and the fire marshall, tell us it’s “not a good idea” to burn your candle in the same room as your diffuser. But we won’t tell you what to do, because we believe in female liberation.
Both the “I Have a Migraine” Candle and ultra-clean helium diffuser have been neurologist tested. Approval is pending.
Ingredients & Materials
Fair-trade, all-natural, hypoallergenic, BPA-free glass candle holder hand-blown by Robert Downey Jr.
Fair-trade, all-natural, hypoallergenic, BPA-free beeswax infused with vitamin E and made exclusively by queen bees. All bees are paid a fair living wage according to ooop’s sweatshop-free pledge.
Wick woven from my pubic hair.
Buy it With
ooop PMS (Inducing) Breath Mints
ooop Distilled Potpourri Perfume
A super-tight headband
Really good health insurance, for when you want the migraines to stop
* None of the stuff we sell is actually returnable or refundable, because these days, you can use anything as a dildo. 🕯️
🧠 Thanks for reading, Oops, My Brain! To share this story with a friend, use the handy button below.
Due to me unexpectedly applying for grad school, I didn’t have time to write a full essay post this month. But I hope you enjoyed this little piece of satire! And yes, I did get into an MFA program, starting in two weeks! Wish me luck! 🤓
This is hilarious. The candle that does it all! You can sell it on Etsy. Hehe.
"Wick woven from my pubic hair." <<<< I just fell over and died from laughter 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣