The Problem With Empathy

Would someone please validate this feeling?

👶 Welcome, new Brainees! I mainly use this space to share long(ish)form humor essays. So, if you don’t like this week’s post (too bloggy, too opinionated, too many references to sewage), you should hang around for my next one, which will be an essay about witch mansions, Joan Didion, and chicken hats. You won’t be disappointed. I hope.

This cartoon courtesy of my friend Matthew Ronan. Check out his Instagram!

It’s far too easy to get tongue-tied when faced with someone else’s struggles. Heck, I’m in near constant pain and I still don’t know what to say to my friends when they’re hurting. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, but I do want to say something. I want to show I care. It’s a prickly pickle of a problem!

I recently chatted with the world’s foremost expert on emotional intelligence about this. Here’s an excerpt from the interview.

Me: What do you say to someone who is hurting?

ChatGPT: When someone is hurting, it's important to approach them with empathy, patience, and compassion. Here's a thoughtful way to start:

- Acknowledge their pain: "I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how tough it must be right now."

- Offer support: "I’m here for you, whatever you need, even if it’s just to listen."

- Validate their feelings: "It’s completely okay to feel how you’re feeling. It’s normal to struggle sometimes."

If they seem open to talking more, asking "Do you want to share what’s on your mind?" can show you’re ready to listen.

This answer is a surprisingly accurate summary of how most people approach me in my pain. And while there’s nothing wrong with the intention behind these responses, they leave a lot to be desired. Let me explain.

Acknowledgment

I can’t imagine how tough it must be right now.

What I can’t imagine is what it must be like to be so darn unimaginative. We, as humans, create and destroy entire worlds in our minds every day, and you’re telling me that you can’t imagine what it’s like to get lots of migraines? Anyone who can Google chronic migraine disorder can imagine what it might be like. Saying otherwise feels alienating, like putting the conversational equivalent of a ten-foot pole between us.

Real acknowledgment makes the effort of imagining and, then, approaching. Example: Oh my God, you get multiple migraines a week? If I were in your situation, I would be so angry. Does your condition anger you a lot?

Support

I’m here for you, whatever you need.

Liar! No one can offer anyone whatever they need. This statement is yet another byproduct of a malfunctioning imagination—or, worse, laziness. Offer something specific that you are able to do, like grocery shop or go to a movie together. If you aren’t able to do anything because your life is chaotic, then say so. But don’t be so vague that you put the burden of deciding what you should do on the person who is already overwhelmed by their life circumstances. And if you really are able to do whatever, then be prepared to give me a ride to the emergency room late at night, or shop-vac all the sewage out of my basement, or remove my infected big toenail.

Validation

It’s completely okay to feel how you’re feeling.

I’ll be honest, I’m not positive what emotional validation is and at this point, I’m too afraid to ask. What is a valid feeling? More importantly, what is an invalid feeling? Because I certainly don’t want to be feeling anything invalid! Someone help me out here, I’m legitimately confused. What good does it do me to know that my feelings are predictable/normal/expected? Am I supposed to ask permission to feel the way I feel? Or are my feelings more like a parking garage pass?

Validation, sort of like acknowledgment, seems to create more interpersonal distance than it removes. It puts you in the position of observing someone’s feelings from afar instead of experiencing them up close and personal. Validation is also a heck of a non-starter. What am I supposed to say in response to your validation? Thanks? And just like that, the conversation is over.

Listening & Encouraging

Do you want to share what’s on your mind?

This idea isn’t a bad one, for the record. Listening to people who are hurting is great, and we should all do this. Gold star, ChatGPT (though you already had three strikes). But sometimes when I’m hurting, I want more than a listening ear, or acknowledgment, or support. I also want encouragement and hope. The ability to speak powerfully into the lives of the people around us is what makes us better than chatbots, after all.

So whenever I’m face-to-face with someone who is hurting, I try to not only listen but also offer some encouragement. The key to encouragement? Keep it simple, but also keep it TRUE. This will get better soon is simple, but not necessarily true (unless if you have the ability to predict the future and you know for a fact that my migraines will go away, in which case you still shouldn’t say this because I won’t believe you and I’ll just get pissed off at your apparent presumptuousness). 

Something to try instead is a version of my favorite line from my favorite movie, Finding Nemo. In it, Dory the Fish tells Marlin to just keep swimming. It’s simple, it’s not betting on any potentially false statements, and it gives a little boost to someone who is getting sucked down into this deep, dark sea of a world.

So keep going! Hang on! Don’t give up! Keep swimming! Because the other option is sinking, and I don’t want that for you, my friend. 🧠

What do you say to people who are hurting? Do you feel differently about what makes good acknowledgment, support, or validation? Leave a comment!