The unconditional love a spouse provides is hard to believe but wonderful once accepted, it’s a form of intimacy.
Chronic illness affects all those around you and to acknowledge what your spouse is dealing with and the honesty you have with each other is extremely important. Unfortunately, not all who are dealing with chronic illness have that.
Natalie, I am so happy you have a wonderful husband and partner in Cory. Congratulations on 10 + years. It took 6 years to convince my husband that he wasn’t trapping me if we got married, he had a diagnosis of a degenerative neuromuscular disease (Agent Orange related) and a prognosis of becoming a quadriplegic at some point. He was still walking in the beginning, but was wheelchair bound and was also diagnosed with the precursor to bone cancer when we decided to get married. I was already diagnosed with chronic migraines and chronic jaw pain from previous jaw surgeries (6), so I carried my own “issues “ into our relationship. We went in eyes wide open and hearts wide open too. We both continually told each other how much we appreciated the support we received from the other. It was just our personalities. It was so much easier emotionally to know I was supported and didn’t have to explain why I did or said when I wasn’t feeling well. He was attentive enough to catch on to my pre migraine symptoms, the subtle squinting, the unconscious re adjusting positions, the slight tension in my voice. And I could read him as well. We were married for 18.5 years when he died as a quadriplegic with bone cancer ( multiple myeloma). I truly think the key is being attentive to your partner and them responding the same way.
Thanks for sharing this perspective of marriage/ chronic illness. I had a different experience ( my ex. who was aware of my illness before we married and had a child decided it was too much and made the decision to be unfaithful and then leave). At the time I thought I would never trust another human being again. Fourteen years later, I’m a stronger person, a grateful mother with an amazing son, and learning to love and trust again. Chronic illness is hard on everyone but when you have someone ( even one person) in your corner it is possible to live joyfully.
That is such a painful experience! I’ve heard of this happening to many people with chronic illness. It’s almost like a fire, it refines some people and consumes others. I'm grateful for what your son and all the people around you have learned from your endurance, and that you have things you are thankful for as you look back.
Thank you! Yes, everyone reacts differently and you never really know until it happens to you. Thankfully I turned the pain into my purpose and learned so much from the lessons that were thrust upon me during that time in my life.
I took the pain from my divorce and learned to became an advocate for myself and later my son when he became ill. I learned the importance of a supportive community and how to find one when you have an invisible illness. I also learned how to stop being a people pleaser and use my strength and skills to find answers and a path forward. Every bit of pain and hurt was turned into a positive. I started my Substack 18 months ago to help others struggling with chronic illness. I recently contributed to a multi- author book called My Mess Is My Message. Would love to chat more about it with you!
I struggle a lot with that thought as well about wondering what my husband gets out of being married to a sick person. It's so tough! But we are worthy of love, regardless. I often tell myself if the roles were reversed how would I react? And it wouldn't even be a question. Congrats on ten years, that's worth celebrating!
This really resonated with me because my husband and I go through similar things, although I was diagnosed before we met. I told him about it in the beginning of our relationship, and 24 years later, he’s still here, even though he’s the one who takes care of almost everything (including picking up poop). Thank you for pointing out what your husband goes through; it makes me more aware about how my w husband’s struggles. I’m too busy thinking about myself sometimes.
What a beautiful piece of writing. You are so fortunate. So many of us with chronic illness are in it alone (which is its own form of being a hero). I hope you can find the path to becoming more and more of your own inner Shero … so that he can be more of himself, too. Sending love.
Thanks for reading! Though I’m not sure what you mean by letting Cory be more of himself? He chooses this daily, chooses to identify with me in my pain. So he is being fully himself, in the best possible way. I find no shame in choosing to serve another with your life. And I am certainly thankful for him every day ☺️
Our car was three years old at the time of the crack-inducing incident, haha. And when it was two years old, it got all smashed up in a hit-n-run while parked on the street. So, no new car for us anymore either!
The unconditional love a spouse provides is hard to believe but wonderful once accepted, it’s a form of intimacy.
Chronic illness affects all those around you and to acknowledge what your spouse is dealing with and the honesty you have with each other is extremely important. Unfortunately, not all who are dealing with chronic illness have that.
Natalie, I am so happy you have a wonderful husband and partner in Cory. Congratulations on 10 + years. It took 6 years to convince my husband that he wasn’t trapping me if we got married, he had a diagnosis of a degenerative neuromuscular disease (Agent Orange related) and a prognosis of becoming a quadriplegic at some point. He was still walking in the beginning, but was wheelchair bound and was also diagnosed with the precursor to bone cancer when we decided to get married. I was already diagnosed with chronic migraines and chronic jaw pain from previous jaw surgeries (6), so I carried my own “issues “ into our relationship. We went in eyes wide open and hearts wide open too. We both continually told each other how much we appreciated the support we received from the other. It was just our personalities. It was so much easier emotionally to know I was supported and didn’t have to explain why I did or said when I wasn’t feeling well. He was attentive enough to catch on to my pre migraine symptoms, the subtle squinting, the unconscious re adjusting positions, the slight tension in my voice. And I could read him as well. We were married for 18.5 years when he died as a quadriplegic with bone cancer ( multiple myeloma). I truly think the key is being attentive to your partner and them responding the same way.
Such a beautiful story, Lisa! Your husband sounds like he was a wonderful man. Glad you had each other even though it wasn’t for nearly long enough 💚
Wow. Loved this. “To fulfill rather than be fulfilled.” Cory sounds like a keeper…. You too.
I think I'll keep him! Though he is to blame for the recent dog-chewing-the-remote-into-a-million-tiny-pieces incident.
Thanks for sharing this perspective of marriage/ chronic illness. I had a different experience ( my ex. who was aware of my illness before we married and had a child decided it was too much and made the decision to be unfaithful and then leave). At the time I thought I would never trust another human being again. Fourteen years later, I’m a stronger person, a grateful mother with an amazing son, and learning to love and trust again. Chronic illness is hard on everyone but when you have someone ( even one person) in your corner it is possible to live joyfully.
That is such a painful experience! I’ve heard of this happening to many people with chronic illness. It’s almost like a fire, it refines some people and consumes others. I'm grateful for what your son and all the people around you have learned from your endurance, and that you have things you are thankful for as you look back.
Thank you! Yes, everyone reacts differently and you never really know until it happens to you. Thankfully I turned the pain into my purpose and learned so much from the lessons that were thrust upon me during that time in my life.
I’m curious to hear more about “pain as purpose.“ What do you mean?
I took the pain from my divorce and learned to became an advocate for myself and later my son when he became ill. I learned the importance of a supportive community and how to find one when you have an invisible illness. I also learned how to stop being a people pleaser and use my strength and skills to find answers and a path forward. Every bit of pain and hurt was turned into a positive. I started my Substack 18 months ago to help others struggling with chronic illness. I recently contributed to a multi- author book called My Mess Is My Message. Would love to chat more about it with you!
💪
I have dreams like that too. And my H always laughs and me and asks "is that what you really think of me?" And I have to say no, of course not.
Last night I dreamed he bought me a HomePod. Unfortunately, he laughed at that one, too. Sigh.
I struggle a lot with that thought as well about wondering what my husband gets out of being married to a sick person. It's so tough! But we are worthy of love, regardless. I often tell myself if the roles were reversed how would I react? And it wouldn't even be a question. Congrats on ten years, that's worth celebrating!
Yes, I do think we have much to offer even in our physical weakness. Not to toot my own horn too much 😂
This really resonated with me because my husband and I go through similar things, although I was diagnosed before we met. I told him about it in the beginning of our relationship, and 24 years later, he’s still here, even though he’s the one who takes care of almost everything (including picking up poop). Thank you for pointing out what your husband goes through; it makes me more aware about how my w husband’s struggles. I’m too busy thinking about myself sometimes.
Thank you for reading and I’m so glad you have the support of a loving spouse in your illness!
What a beautiful piece of writing. You are so fortunate. So many of us with chronic illness are in it alone (which is its own form of being a hero). I hope you can find the path to becoming more and more of your own inner Shero … so that he can be more of himself, too. Sending love.
Thanks for reading! Though I’m not sure what you mean by letting Cory be more of himself? He chooses this daily, chooses to identify with me in my pain. So he is being fully himself, in the best possible way. I find no shame in choosing to serve another with your life. And I am certainly thankful for him every day ☺️
I have a Crack moving across my windshield too!!!! I hate it. My car is turning into a dumpster and it's only 3 years old.
The tape is brilliant even if it screams #FAIL 🤣
Our car was three years old at the time of the crack-inducing incident, haha. And when it was two years old, it got all smashed up in a hit-n-run while parked on the street. So, no new car for us anymore either!
We're living parallel lives. I got rear ended for the first time in my life when my car was two years old. It is cursed I tell ya!
On the plus side, now we don’t have to take as good of care of our cars 😅
As we obviously haven’t.